Big Brother Review
Big Brother Report 1
So our poor Princess of Wales Imogen Thomas (although going by this weeks Sunday papers the only mines victim she has probably helped are a few of local boyo’s from down the pit) has been left to fend for herself in the jungle that is the Big Brother house.
Her Bahgeera, Sezer has been evicted and already, with all the stealth and subtlety of a deputy prime minister with his secretary, Big Dickie has moved on in for the kill.
After winning a romantic dinner for two after shouting ‘Butch’ very loudly, he chooses Imogen as his date. Maybe being Canadian he was missing being close to a beaver, or maybe he had a cunning plan to seduce our Imogen over to the dark, well in his case brown, side. Dickie was all charm and champagne in his bid to build bridges with dearest Imogen.
But by the end of the meal it was plain to see Imogen was having none it. She was on to Big Dick’s plan and was left in no doubt that his intentions were not entirely honourable. Later that evening Imogen’s doubts over Big Dick were to be reinforced as the extra from the cast of 70’s cult classic Monkey, Lisa, subtlety told Imogen…’he’s a two faced fucking wanker’ and that he was ‘mega doin' my ‘ead in’ . It was high brow stuff from the knee high nip.
Elsewhere Imogen has so far managed to evade the clutches of the cross dressing Ventriloquists dummy, Sam. The rosy cheeked gender bender has made quite an impression on her housemates, especially Grace who is ‘just Amazing’ (amazing Grace no less) and surely it is just a matter of time before she enters the diary room to ask for a ‘gottle of gear’.
Sam at the moment seems the most naïve of all the contestants. She doesn’t have any semblance of a game plan and early eviction looms large. Who will join her is anyone’s guess, some will say its Aisleyne , but with an arse that has more wobble that Rowntrees and a barnet that has more split ends than a bale of hay, she providing great cringe worthy TV.
She’s a got game plan, yet if only she was a sharp as the thong that separates those two colliding planets she calls an arse, she might have some remote chance of making the last three.
But with the freaky collective of the child catcher Lea, Horse boy Pete ( amazing how Pete’s popularity has soared since he revealed his special talent), Pan face and Big Dick growing ever stronger anyone with designs on the top spot will need to break into the clique and take on the footlong.
At the moment it’s welcome to freaksville and Pete is the mayor and everyone else is just playing for 2nd place.
Week 4 Ratings
Aisleyne – What a sophisticat. Diamante T-bar thong over morning cornflakes, brings a whole new meaning to drawing in the washing. Classy like Mickey Carrol. Nuff Love. 8/10Glynn – I know Nikki calls herself special but surely it’s more appropriate for Glynn, Gormless. That laugh… Jesus tonight.. Reminds me of someone who would be a St Johns ambulance volunteer or in the sea cadets or something. Will probably be a bit too impressed by meeting Dean Gaffney when he gets out. Not the worst housemate to watch, but bit of a knob when alls said and done. 6/10
Grace – Frightful language from the leather skinned toff. Watching her and you hate but we need to keep her in for the fireworks, Smaller tits than Sam but with twice the bollocks. Confrontation will become her. Annoying but good value. 7/10
Pete – The Footlong is nailed on to win, he’s just one crazy crazy guy. Well the kinda crazy guy that makes sure everyone is wearing their hat at the Xmas table. Mental. The best thing I like… The amount of birds I’ve spoke to about Pete…’ahhh he’s lovely’…’such a nice nice person’…’so SO sensitive’. FFS When’s one of y’ers gonna be honest, your all gagging for a piece of the footlong. I do though admire his ability to get away with resting his head on a girls tits whilst being ‘sensitive’ . Playing the perfect game. 8/10
Lea – Well the sun is out but will the puppies be allowed to breathe. Her prudishness is admirable and it’s a display morals that will make family and friends proud…ermm expect for the fact she’s previously ‘starred’ in a hard core porn film, and been photographed in series of positions that a Russian gymnast would have trouble holding. I am convinced that you put her in the sun for more than 3 hours and she will literally mentally and physically melt. To be scooped up off the patio in late June is my predicition. 5/10
Sam – Useless. Got too many teeth for her mouth. Total Total shit contestant. A ventriloquist is missing its dummy. 1/10
Big Dick – Thinks he’s so intelligent and such a diplomat. But totally boring, possibly be good for argument bit later on. Could have one brewing for Grace. I suppose he did crack me up when he tried to have a row with Imogen in his geek outfit. Overall a nothing character. 2/10
Lisa. The definition of a lady, the Swiss finishing school she attended is completely evident as her manners and class allow to rise above the petty squabbles and day to day drudge of house life. Kind of….face like a slapped arse. 3/10
Mickey. That famous Scouse humour eh ? This guy is an absolute riot, Heat magazine are not gonna know what’s hit them when this wild child gets out. He’s like Lee Ryan and Pete Doherty all wrapped up in one combustible keg of energy. Boring Dullard. 2/10
Nikki. The cutest buns you ever did see. Yep she runs on, yep she lives in frown town but what a cracking little figure. A fruitloop but at least something to watch. Back on track after her Grace-gate. 6/10
>Our Princess Imogen – Well this is her moment to get her self back in the game, we know she can manipulate Big Dick, we’ve all read about it in the Sundays. She has some work to do catch up with Pete, but if she leaves her 9 to 5 up on the shelf she can be a contender. Work it Imogen….10/10
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